Steffi’s Blog

WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT YET FINISHED; IT STILL NEEDS SOME CORRECTION&IMPROVEMENT

I know many of you, after having had a look at the title, are wondering whether I am going crazy now or whether there is anything wrong with my brain…! Though I’m sure that those who really know me quite well already waited for such an entry for some time !
Some weeks ago something very surprising happened to me: At work a ‘colleague’ of mine (in fact, a student as well who I already know for quite a while) told me that for him it is quite impressive how calm and strong I always seem to be…! Only after a few minutes I realised that it was honestly me who was the topic of this conversation and I guess I must have stared at him as if God himself was standing in front of me because if I would have to describe myself I would use almost every expression except of being calm, strong and steady. A very close friend of mine (in fact probably the closest one I had at that time) , sadly he died a few years ago, used to describe me by using a quotation by Göthe: “Himmelhochjauchzend, zu Tode betrübt!” Well, after that ‘incident’ at work I talked with some friends about that and ever since I try to observe myself differently and, yeah, maybe this guy was right and to people who don’t know me very well I *do* seem calm, self-possessed and all that other stuff I laughed about at that very moment !
As most of you might already guess now this post will have a strong tendency towards philosophy, feelings and my own person - you still have the option not to read any further !

Woah, I guess maybe I shouldn’t use my blog as a publication platform of all my feelings, problems or whatever but then I have to admit that lately my life has become a big big mess, more a mental chaos than a literal one but this is exactly the problem. Since there are not that many people I would talk with about such things, and these people either have their own problems or other things to do (that’s the problem if you trust only two or three people with such things…the probability that you run out of them too quickly is quite great ). Anyway, so I’m sitting here now with the urgent need to simply write some things down. Yeah, I’m not sure if such things should be published but on the other hand I am quite sure that all the people who read the entries are either people I know quite well and who are my friends or don’t know me at all and I guess the things I have to say are not that confidential (or even surprising).

As a sub-headline of this entry I decided for the question ‘What makes life worth living’ and I know this is a very big thing and believe me, I don’t want to present a solution or an answer to this question here and now, not even a personal one. It simply sprang to my mind a few days ago when I thought about my current situation. What is it then about life that does make it such a great thing? Don’t worry, I’m not complaining about life in general or something like this. However, if you take it for granted that ‘life is the greatest gift we have’ then, every now and then, I do ask myself why it is so complicated sometimes or even worse painful (at least for the soul)?
Well, though it is quite tempting ever since the new James Bond movie is in the cinemas I don’t think that Daniel Craig is something that makes life worth living (yeah, I know, he is a very cute guy ). Alright, such are things which are nice side effects but the real life is a bit different, isn’t it?!
Hm, I fell ill last week (not too seriously but it was very unpleasant) and realised a few days later that the problem is not my stomach and something wrong I ate but, I had to face it, the problem was me…and all the pressure I put on myself. Well,although I know that many things are not quite what they should be at the moment I couldn’t really figure out what the hell I was complaining about. In university everything goes better than the years before, I’m working an awful lot…but isn’t that exactly the problem. It worked out very well for a while and I’m sure that it is more than right to put the greatest effort in every work you do - but only as long as you feel good with it and you stand behind it. So I found out in one week that it is neither Daniel Craig nor success in university that makes my life as happy as it should be.

I managed all the amount of work quite well as long as my ‘private’ life was alright and ’smooth’ but as soon as there showed up problems which affected my private life rather than the work…all my motivation, all my strength broke apart. And there was nobody I could have turned to because, as I already said, my friends either had their own things to deal with or they partly were the source of my problems…! Honestly, I’m not blaming anybody for this. I do know what it is like when you don’t have enough strength to deal with other people’s problems. And I guess, there are some things in life you have to deal with yourself anyway, nobody can relieve you of such burdens. Though somebody to talk with would maybe be helpful, huh !?

What I found out, though not only recently, is that there are in fact many things in life which are great, important and precious. I already mentioned that for me these are not things like famous people (though they are nice to look at), not necessarily success in college/at work (though it is nice to get good marks)…but the things that make life worth living are rather the people who define you life. People like good friends you can rely on, doesn’t matter what happens, friends who would get up for you at 4am in the morning just because you need somebody to talk to, friends who would even cancel a date for you or switch off the TV although there is his/her favourite programme on. I know that this is not always possible and sometimes it is even impossible but friendships as well as relationships should never be rested on certainties on things you take for granted. Both sides should be allowed to take, sometimes even to take without any restrictions but on the other hand both sides should always give as well. Nothing will work out as it should if these relations are one-sided. Everybody should ask him/herself if the friendships or the relationship they have are based on such a give-and-take system otherwise it will almost certainly end in a dead-end street and at least one of the ‘partners’ will be horribly hurt. If you should realise that this two-sided giving and taking does not exist there are probably only two question left to be asked: Either ‘Can I live with that and do I want to live with that’ or ‘Do I want to break up this friendship’!
Or as Baz Luhrman put it in one of his songs: ‘Don’t be reckless with other people’s heart, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours!’
I keep on asking myself if this is true…
I don’t want to commend much further on these things since lately I would understand everybody, doesn’t matter which decision he or she makes. The only thing I want to add now is that I know that in my case it is not at all only the fault of the other ‘partner’ and, in fact, I’m more than grateful for every friend and ‘partner’ who is able to stand my moods and difficult features for such a long time. However, on the other hand I always thought: ‘Where there is shadow there is also light.’
Well, to sum all this up: there are compromises to be made, decisions to be come to (like ‘in which direction do I want my life to go?’), friendships to be taken care of and love to be given to a very special person. However, nobody is perfect and everybody does make mistakes, this should be true for me myself as well as for the people I like and love.

And in the end I only try to do the right things as well…